Anxiety

It's been a while since my last post.  I'm about to get my degree in Journalism and start a new chapter in my life.  Every dream of every college graduate, right?  As I'm sitting in my room, listening to the television in the background, I'm here listening to my thoughts.  Five years ago next month, I lived a youth retreat that changed my life for the better.  Since then, many things have changed...

I still sing in choir but only mass choir and I started a new ministry that has been very fulfilling in my life and as a server in the church.  Although things are going somewhat well, there's something that continues to haunt me.  When I was nine-years-old, I started having anxiety and panic attacks.  They come and go through time, which is a roller coaster...  Lately, I've noticed my anxiety getting worse.

When my last semester of college started, I felt incredibly overwhelmed.  I would drive to school crying because I thought or felt I was losing control of my education.  The fact of getting ready to graduate and not wanting to disappoint my loved ones, I had a mental breakdown.  Thankfully with the support of my family and boyfriend, I started to relax.  Sort of.....

I started taking medication for my anxiety, which brought suicidal thoughts as a side effect, and stopped taking them.  Still, my anxiety just doesn't go away...  Which has given me second thoughts about many things.  As many people know, I love to sing! I've been doing it since I was two years old.  But lately, because my anxiety has been crazy, I'm considering leaving the choir ministry.  Not because I don't enjoy it anymore, simply because my anxiety has taken over my life.  At the moment it's something I cant control, as much as I wish I could.  At the moment, I just want to stay at home and not talk or see anyone.  Why am I telling you this? Honestly, I don't know... I guess I feel the need to vent what I feel.  I don't have many friends and the people who I thought were friends, stabbed me in the back.  At 10:30pm, I'm still not sure why im doing this, but it feels good to let my feelings out... even if it's just through a computer screen.

I've lived with anxiety for 20 years of my life already and I guess it's a one day at a time sort of thing.
Where will my anxiety take me? I dont know...  Will I hide at home for the rest of my life? maybe.
Will I stop singing? It's a huge possibility... Only God knows what He has planned for me...